My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
