I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
