How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
is wine microwaveable?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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