Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
