YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I faked an abortion last night.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
