I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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