Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
