i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
