There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
