i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
me + whiskey = a bad person
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
