It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
