im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
