Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
