The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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