apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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