I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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