anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
