i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
