dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
