i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
