sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
3pm strippers are depressing
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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