I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
