i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
