Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
