i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
