I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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