conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
