MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
