I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
