return my video game
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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