i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I did not marry a roomba.
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