my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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