I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
