Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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