Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
