i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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