we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
