i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
