He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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