they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
