How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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