Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
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