She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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