I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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