i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
