is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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