Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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