I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
We had to coat check the pizza.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
