I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
