so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
