can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
