I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Randomize
