Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
