You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
